a fool on the hill
2004-09-22,9:40 p.m.
Past and Future

Had a gig with Tulus today, in fact I just came back from there. I'm on sick leave from work until tonight, but for the last three days I've been going around the town like a mad woman looking for loans from banks, sorting out stuff, gaining sports points and being generally and mostly aimlessly manic. I think it's down to the fact that I have a contemporary class (dance class) starting tomorrow and they're expecting some 80 people to show up and I have no clue what to do with them. I'm scared.

So I have tonight time to figure out what I wish to do improvise-wise with 80 people tomorrow without it becoming a massive mess. Next year, I'll look for a proper job :)

Everything happens so fast these days. I'm not complaining, I like the changes that are happening, it's just that there's so much to think about occasionally that my mind cannot cope with it all at once. I'd love to just have time to figure my life out without having to bring home work as well. That's the only thing.

Me and Em are possibly (probably... most likely...) buying a house together, and that's a big thing (Just to be clear, Em is buying a house and we are moving in there together. Not a loan to share, I just wanted to clarify). We've been talking about living together properly, since we spend days and nights together anyway and it's getting pretty stressful taking care of two flats and two rents and two sets of bills when we could do with paying just one set. Also, we're constantly missing 'being at home', because we're spending nights at each others' places, and so only 50% of our spare time is spent at 'home'. If we had a home together, we'd only have to pay one set of bills, and we'd be spending our free time at home 100% of the time. So that's the plan.

To find a house to live in, a little old house that doesn't need renovating though, appears to be not such an easy job to do. Our time is spent searching the internet and sitting at banks and calling possible guarantors and visiting houses that are for sale. Problem is also (at least with me) that we've already found a place that would be perfect. It was just sold from in front of our noses. So it's pretty hard to settle for the second best when you're thinking of an investment of about 100 000 euros.

AND it's pretty big going to the bank and having to talk about the possibility of us getting married and having children. We've said all those things before, to each other, but now they're said to a number of random bank people and they're taking us pretty seriously. I desperately want children, I've always wanted them, and to get married if of course on my list of 'want to do's, whether we're talking about Em specifically or my life generally. But it's one thing dreaming and another saying those things out loud. And not they've been said. 'Looks like it's the end of the game' said Em today, with a twinkle in his eyes. It does. And it's happened pretty fast.

I'm not saying this because I'm having second thoughts (I'm all up for this!) or because I want things to go differently or slower or anything. I'm just stating the obvious. I believe whatever happens, happens for a reason and is meant to be. So I'm not scared of the idea of spending my life with Em. If that's the way it's going to be, then it must be a good thing, and we're going to make it a good thing. With some people though, these things take years, if not decades. I just don't want us to rush into anything too soon just to get a feeling of being alive. I want us to move in together, and I want nothing more than buying a little sweet house together with Em. I just want it so that we both want it definitely and without fear and stress.

Em couldn't sleep last night because he was thinking about the house and everything that comes with it. I don't want him to loose his sleep because he wants to be with me. We've got all the time in the world, even though we've lost the perfect house. There'll be another one. I just don't want him stressed and scared, because that's going to lead to problems. All I need is time with him, and the rest will sort itself out somehow.

He's gone to have a sauna night with the guys. That's good for him, I think he needs a little break from this all, if only for a couple of hours. And I need time to sort out tomorrow's class. Damn.

A cup of tea and some toast for me. We'll see how tomorrow goes. Two bank meetings, the dreaded class I have to give, a performance and a ballet class. I'll be out by 9pm tomorrow. Hopefully still alive.

-just a little scared frankie xxx

Frankie is listening to:
Humhumhum of Em's puter and the clock on the wall.

Frankie is reading:
My agenda manically...

Frankie's current mood:
Just that tiny bit worried. Not too much, just a wee bit.

MISS ME?


one more year on the line
ONLINE!!!ONLINE!!!
dreams and wakes and runs
Madness, I tell you.
a fool on the hill

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